"I feel so protected knowing that Nicholas [sic] is in bed with me," a satisfied Amazon customer writes of this very-special pillowcase. " ... He cradles my head so softly; I used to be afraid of the dark... Not anymore."
One reviewer claims to have purchased this 27-pound gummy snake for a diabetic 6-year-old nephew. "[T]he little s*** hasn't called to thank me yet," the reviewer complains. "My sister did call a few weeks ago but I couldn't tell what she was saying because she was crying so much."
Our favorite review of this kitchen accessory finds fault with the design: "As shown in the picture, the slicer is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way."
Why would anyone want a 4-foot-tall photo of a senior using an asthma inhaler? One reviewer explains: "Put it up right next to my framed oil painting of an old man measuring his pills into a daily dispenser. Looks amazing!"
"She cried through most of it. She still won't dance with me," writes one reviewer of this 96-page book on the subject of the "ancient practice of cat dancing."
"Grandma displays nicely through the glass cover we built," writes a reviewer of this "luxurious," 18-gauge-steel, midnight-blue casket featuring an adjustable bed.
Jokes one reviewer about this real-life sample of radioactive material: "I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years [sic] ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty."
What else is there to say about a hand tool marketed to the ladies? Not much, per the customer who calls out this hammer as "sexist," but nonetheless awards it four stars and declares it "fine."
According to one five-star joke review, this romper that doubles as a mop is lacking only one thing: "a turbo attachment because I tend to spill my occasional bottle of wine."
The top-rated review for this now-discontinued toy has been hilariously redacted: "██ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is █████ ████ ████ fine ████ ███ █ ██████ love. █████ ███████ ███ your █████ ████ government."
One satisfied Amazon customer calls this dinosaur-erotica tale "well researched as far as size of the lizard and its various appendages. I'm talking the little fore arms [sic] here."
Writes one reviewer of this now-famous tee: "Once I apply the magical wolves fabric to my chest, my mullet grew like Odin's beard, my rusted T-top Firebird turned sweet candy apple red and my White Snake tape started playing its body moving melodies once again. God life is good!"
In a two-star assessment of the toy, actor George Takei plays along with the gag. "I'd been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs ...," Takei writes.
This one-star review delivers 60 ways to dispose of the 2017 animated film. Our favorite is No. 45: "Place it on the train track and give the train conductor a thumbs up as he runs it over with his train."
"Although I am [a] female with average sized hands [sic] I find it extremely difficult to play this game," goes a one-star review of this now-rare board game. "It was obviously sized for tiny-man-hands [sic]."
These sugar-free gummies have become notorious on Amazon for allegedly causing severe stomach cramps. "I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude," jokes one reviewer.
The reviews of this gallon of milk are so funny, they became the subject of a The New York Times article. One of our favorites: "Tuscan Whole Milk ruined my life. I have no further details to add."
"The toast inflates quickly and with ease," this five-star review attests. "... [T]his [is] important when I am pressed for time and need inflatable toast at a moments [sic] notice."
"It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own," explains our favorite review of this popular mask. "I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways."
You'd be typing in all caps, too, if you downed this incredibly strong coffee: "IF YOU DRINK 4 YOU CAN READ PEOPLES [sic] MINDS AND START SEEING A NEW COLOR."
"[S]ometimes this whistle wakes people up, but that's only in [the] morning," one customer notes. "They should probably be up cooking eggs for breakfast or something."
There's nothing crappy about this chapeau, according to the customer who points out that "[i]t's perfectly appropriate to tell the grandmothers it's the Harry Potter sorting hat."
