The 29 Most Hilarious Reviews On Amazon You Need To Read
"I didn't lose a single topping in the extraction process."
Need a way to carry pizza with you wherever you go? One reviewer raves about the "seal up option" on this "must have" accessory: It's "always nice for those rainy days."
"You can SEE the ending right on the cover!"
One reviewer was disappointed this children's book didn't come with a spoiler warning: "There is no mystery. There is no twist. Baby's belly button is right where it's suppose to be, on Baby's stomach. Right where it clearly SHOWS you it is on the COVER OF THE BOOK."
"Serves as a wonderful pet and a delicious snack"
One reviewer claims to have purchased this 27-pound gummy snake for a diabetic 6-year-old nephew. "[T]he little s*** hasn't called to thank me yet," the reviewer complains. "My sister did call a few weeks ago but I couldn't tell what she was saying because she was crying so much."
"I woke up in the ship as I was being probed"
One reviewer complains about the limitations of this purported UFO detecting device: "It didn't give me any warning at all. The range is extremely limited. Only later did I see the disclaimer: 'For best results, hold directly under saucer.'"
"...they soon know who is King Penguin."
Forget Halloween. According to one reviewer, this mask is best used to keep kids in line. "I wear this mask to sing lullabies to my children. They are terrified of the mask. Whenever they protest about their bedtime, or ask for too many sweets, I whip on the mask, and they soon know who is King Penguin."
"Really takes my breath away"
Why would anyone want a 4-foot-tall photo of a senior using an asthma inhaler? One reviewer explains: "Put it up right next to my framed oil painting of an old man measuring his pills into a daily dispenser. Looks amazing!"
"I read this book to my cat every night for one year"
"She cried through most of it. She still won't dance with me," writes one reviewer of this 96-page book on the subject of the "ancient practice of cat dancing."
"The super powers you receive from this product are completely random"
Jokes one reviewer about this real-life sample of radioactive material: "I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years [sic] ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty."
"I am very disappointed that the baby is not included"
According to one five-star joke review, this romper that doubles as a mop is lacking only one thing: "a turbo attachment because I tend to spill my occasional bottle of wine."
"I wanted to see how the sex would work between a giant lizard and a human-sized female"
One satisfied Amazon customer calls this dinosaur-erotica tale "well researched as far as size of the lizard and its various appendages. I'm talking the little fore arms [sic] here."
"This shirt has changed my life!"
Writes one reviewer of this now-famous tee: "Once I apply the magical wolves fabric to my chest, my mullet grew like Odin's beard, my rusted T-top Firebird turned sweet candy apple red and my White Snake tape started playing its body moving melodies once again. God life is good!"
"Pleasantly surprised by the unicorn meat"
In a two-star assessment of the toy, actor George Takei plays along with the gag. "I'd been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs ...," Takei writes.
"It's salt that tastes salty and makes food salty as well."
Sums up this five-star review of the pantry staple: "Good work, salt."
"I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined"
These sugar-free gummies have become notorious on Amazon for allegedly causing severe stomach cramps. "I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude," jokes one reviewer.
"I really should have read the reviews first because this coffee doesn't actually end your life"
You'd be typing in all caps, too, if you downed this incredibly strong coffee: "IF YOU DRINK 4 YOU CAN READ PEOPLES [sic] MINDS AND START SEEING A NEW COLOR."