"The hilarious reviews are NOT just funny stories. They are true horror stories & I realized this after 5 gummy bears," one reviewer writes about sugar-free gummy bears. "Seriously people... Read the reviews & believe them."
"I walked no more than a block before I started to feel odd," one reviewer begins in a long post detailing his experience with ghost pepper hot sauce. "By the time my apartment was in sight, I was experiencing tunnel vision and it felt like a live agitated weasel had been placed inside me."
"It's huge. I mean it's really big, which means you cannot see who or what is on the other side of it," one reviewer cautions. "We had a party full of teenage boys ... and this was a problem with people getting bowled over."
Complains one reviewer about this new age healing tool: "This tent was missing its stakes, tarp, and fly cover. I had to cover it in vines and leaves for my camping trip, and I got soaked overnight when it rained. Coincidentally, my hepatitis is gone now."
This glitter is good for crafts, but great for revenge, according to one Amazon reviewer. "I bought this product and proceeded to cover everything my roommate owns in glitter. Every T shirt, every book, ever pair of shoes, his bed... I covered his entire life in glitter. He will have glitter in every crevice of his existence until he dies."
One Amazon reviewer decided to use this cremation to hold his brown sugar. "So when people come over, they say 'Whoa dude who's in the urn!?' and I say 'It's my Uncle Albert - he tastes pretty sweet!' and I immediately open it and scoop out a spoonful of 'ashes' and eat it! Immediately someone screeches or faints or pukes. It's loads of fun!"
"I was generous with my 3 stars. It turns out Taylor Swift doesn't sound any better with this pair of speakers than my old $120 Walmart specials," this disappointed Swiftie writes. "I'd have to add that I wasn't at all surprised."
"(My) microwave, TV, radio, and cellphone have been causing the device to alarm several times, sending me in a state of panic where I'd hide under my bed for days," one reviewer wrote. "Next time it went off it was no false alarm. And I was, again, on board an alien vessel with probes hanging from every opening of my body."
"Bought this product to protect my ice cream from my co-worker who always steals my food. I knew I would get him this time," this person writes about their new ice cream lock. "Turns out, he just turned it upside down, cut a hole in the bottom of the pint of ice cream and ate it that way."
"My bf ended things. So bought this as a pacifier," one purchaser of this Boyfriend pillow writes. "He and I reconciled. I returned the unused pillow. We broke up again. Now I'm out a pillow and a guy."
One reviewer writes, likely without irony: "I took this book with me to rifle practice and I shot at this instead of the target. I got busted but hey it was worth it. Mail me if you want a picture of my shooting."
If you're losing your hair, chances are you'll try just about anything to keep it. Unfortunately for this review, that plan has backfired. "My hair was thinner than it has ever been after using this," they write.
"I was so excited to make cookies for the annual school Saint Patrick's Day party at my son's school," one joke review begins. "I may update this review later and let you all know how the disciplinary hearing with the school board goes."
"I tried for hours to figure out how to pry off the lid so I could load it properly, but no go. Then the thing started yodeling at me, and I thought, 'Well, no more from that dispensary. Disappointed.'"
"My son asked for one of these for his birthday, so he could play the latest games like Madden NFL and Halo. We don't even have an HDTV and I'd heard that these have a high failure rate, so I was reluctant to get one," one person wrote, inexplicably, as a review for this inflatable toast.
"I can't believe this slicer is listed as 'great for cereal'. I tried slicing Cheerios, Trix, Corn Flakes, and Chex, and each ended up crumbly smashed, not neatly sliced," one reviewer writes. "What's worse, this thing is nigh useless on Cream of Wheat."
"I wanted these to work so bad. But they don't," the reviewer writes about these climbing claws. "Sorry to let you down but you are going to have to carry yourself up that tree without these... Sorry, all you people who wanted to be ninjas!"
"Pretty disappointed," writes one rural purchaser of this tray. "The size of a tractor steering wheel plus the steep angle of the steering column made it pretty hard to keep papers and pens from sliding forward. Plus, bouncing around on a field made my writing almost illegible."
"I got this for my older brother as a joke but he went ahead and started wearing it," one customer writes of his Borat mankini purchase. "For the love of donuts don't get this if you're weak of heart. This is no joke I have now seens things."
"I purchased one, and it's terrible. It locked me inside, I wasn't able to get out," one customer jokes of their not-so-relaxing experience in this $90,000 relaxation pod. "Fire company had to come and cut it open. Worse money I ever spent!"